Garbage Retrospective Of Nintendo Entertainment System

Garbage Retrospective Of Nintendo Entertainment System


A lot of you think I’ve been doing these game videos since 2006. But I’ve actually been doing them since the DAWN OF TIME. Most of my videos have been lost, but they recently found an old tape in the office of former romanian dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu. I don’t want to tell you why. I’ve updated it for youtube. The original video was 60p, and the background music was just Footlose on repeat. Hello TV producers, my name is 80’s Kilian and this is the Kilian Experience International Edition. Brought to you by Betamax! With Sega releasing their next console, the NES and Nintendo is oficially over. Bankrupt in two months! But before their deaths, I would like to recap what led them to their demise. Disclaimer: Will be using american games. PAL games are slower than NTSC. Why is that? It’s pretty obvious. Have you seen european movies? They’re slow as death, so why shouldn’t our videogames? I will also show games that have only been released in Japan, but for some reason I have them translated. That’s not because the video is historically inaccurate, it’s because my dad owns Nintendo and my real name is Kilian Nintendo! The NES was released in ’83, and… humanity collectively realized that all previous game consoles kinda… sucked. Then it came to America, where everyone hated videogames. Thanks, Atari! Yet it still became a hit. Not because of how good it is, but because Nintendo made up lies about a game-playing robot. Okay. A certain videogame, already considered to be legendary, also helped. You know what I’m talking about. So let’s start this retrospective by talking about that game. EXCITEBIKE! EXCITE-MOTHERFUCKING-BIKE! Excitebike is the best game ever made, and ever will be made, unless someone makes a sci-fy fps. …Whatever that means. In it, you ride a bike. Excitingly. If I had to pick any franchise that will survive for decades, this is it. Excitebike is eternal. Like cassettes and the Soviet Union. There is also that other game… A game called “Super Something Bros.” I know it looks nothing like the original arcade games. Nintendo knew it wouldn’t sell anything, so they bundled it with the console. The story is, a turtle turned all the mushrooms into bricks. Yep. Th-that’s the actual story?! Now rescue a princess. At the end of every world you kill a turtle, by touching a *very* convenient axe. And she’s always in another castle. I don’t know what the ending is, I never finished it. But I hope Mario realizes that the mushroom was always there for him, and they have a beautiful wedding. It’s an alright game. Water levels are bad though, which is common in video games. But come on, the industry is in its infancy, what are the odds that in 30 years water levels will still suck? They also bundled Duck Hunt… uh… used with a light gun that does not work. But no gaming peripherals do work, so it was completely fine. Nintendo had it all. Then came 1986, and they made their first big mistake. The Legend of Zelda invented saving. Seriously, making games easier for casuals? The story is, a princess has been kidnapped. That’s a pretty unique story in 1986! To defeat her kidnapper, Ganon, a teleporting pig, you need glowing triangles, hidden in basements. First you get a wooden sword you can throw at animals. Then… I have no idea where I’m supposed to go. I have to explore myself?! What the fuck?! Enter a tree… no, it’s bricked. I can’t believe I killed a dragon with my stick. And I’m lost again. God, I hope this “open world” thing doesn’t become a thing. In Metroid, you play as a pretty cool space guy in the far off year of 2000. Fighting alien pirates and then you get stuck. That’s the entire game. At least you have cool armor and is a proud military man. Well, I’m about to blow your mind. If you beat the game fast enough, they will show you that you actually played as… a long-haired man. No Hard Rock in my games! Some people have told me that could be a woman, but that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Second dumbest thing. I was visiting a bar in Geneva, and this british nerd told me he was gonna connect all the computers in town! Called it a “Genève Silkworm Nest”. What even *is* connecting computers? So I said sarcastically, “Why not connect all the computers in the world, and call it the World Wide Web?” AND THIS DUMBASS AGREED! My point is, I’m tired of nintendo games. Castlevania was made by everyone’s favorite company forever, Konami. You play as Simon Belmont, hunting down Dracula, a vampire that puts bags of money in candles and grilled chicken in walls. But Simon has one weakness: He’s made out of cotton. And then you get to the Medusa head and– Nope! shut it down! Don’t buy this! Not because it’s frustrating. It’s just too scary and should be banned. No adult would ever play a video game, therefore horror has no place in the NES. Good thing there is no such thing as a sequel. No, it’s nothing like the previous games. Why? Did you know that the Mario 2 we got in Europe and America is actually… the real Mario. And in Japan, they got some shitty pirate copy looking-ass game. The story is, after Mario stairs, what the hell are they trying to write!? The game doesn’t have a story. New feature: pick a character! Mario is balanced. Luigi is a jumper. Princess is a floater. And Toad is a worthless. I agree, Nintendo. Mushrooms are for eating. Played as Peach. And after 85 YEARS, I’ve finally fed a frog a turnip. And it was all a dream. Meaning Mario dreams about being a princess. We just played a Zelda game. And like I said earlier, I loved the exploring and the combat in the first game, so obviously they removed it. And made it… way, way more adult… what the–? The story is, Zelda has fallen asleep and Link has so little time to party before his wife wakes up. Don’t believe me? Check the manual. Other than the combat system, they also added insane difficulty. I didn’t finish it. Honestly, Zelda 2 is not good, and I’m pretty sure this franchise is dead. This is the last Zelda game. I don’t think a game can get harder than this– Its difficulty is not a problem for me, but you might need to know the Konami Code. I’m not gonna say it. If only there was some way you could look it up, but you can’t! Now I have 30 lives. Played through the first level, now I have 2 lives. Even though it’s hard, it’s fun. And these FUCKING cannons, doesn’t ruin it. Actually, yes, this is the worst game ever. The story is, the year is 2633. An evil organization has taken over New Zealand. You play as alien fighters and now you have to kill everyone. That is the most story ever put in a video game. It’s too much. Games should have less story. Now you’re probably saying ‘Hey Kilian, Final Fantasy was never released in Europe!’ Ok, who would you believe? Someone who’s actually in this time, or something you read online? O-on like a subway line. Final Fantasy is about four middle-aged men trying to find their purpose. First, we have to name them. I don’t want this video to start drama, so I named them after people that will never be controversial. Like Cosby! Apparently Garland has kidnapped the princess, and now we have to go rescue her. That’s a new one! Aaaand I forgot to buy weapons. this is gonna take hours. We’ve made it to the ruins. There is Garland! Boss fight! Monster defeated. Uh, he seemed like a pretty average dude, actually. ‘For saving the princess, we built a bridge.’ How does that award us? We step on the bridge, and then the game is over, we did it, perfect run, i-it’s completely over, cut to commercial. Hello. My name is Ondrej. I represent the International Organization Of Secret Police. Watching this means you support landowner imperialism. We will find you, and your family. Thank you. Howdy, I’m Darick from Sega America, announcing the Sega Mega Drive. Gonna call it “Sega Genesis” in the States, to appeal to cristian moms. Gonna have 16-bit hedgehogs. So just remember… Genesis Does, What Nintendo Entertainment System Cannot Do. W-we’re still working on the slogan. Have you ever dreamed about fighting Mike Tyson? No, that would be suicide. Punch-Out was released in ’87, same year on all three continents. How is that even possible? There’s gotta be magic involved. In it, you beat up stereotypes. Including a drunk russian! *Phone Rings* (sigh) Speak of the devil… What do you want, mr. general secretary? (Mumbling) No, I can’t send you Punch-Out, because of trade restrictions. (More mumbling) No, you just have to loosen inport laws. You don’t have to collapse the entire union! Mikhail? Mikhail? *Hangs up* Uhhhh, whatever. But he makes a fair point. What about games that you can’t get yet but I can, because I’m a gaming superstar? No, it’s nothing like the previous games. Mario 3 revolutionizes the franchise by having Mario rescue a princess. Bowser has kids now. No, it’s not explained. You… you want me to explain turtle mating? Uhhh… just Google it. I mean library it. They have stolen 7 magical wands, and have hidden them all around the Mushroom Kingdom. How big is the Mushroom Kingdom? Has like 40 climates. At first it’s easier than the previous games… Still doesn’t make me good at it. Then comes a huge plot twist. You start by thinking Bowser is the real supervillain. But then it turns out, it’s the goddamned sun! A big ball, 100 times the size of Earth, comes down to kill Mario. After several bullshit deaths, you face the turtle. Then the princess makes a joke. Do you think this is a motherfucking game? Mario 3 will probably stay the best Mario game, until he can turn into a dinosaur. And it’s coming to Europe! In 4 years. It takes that long because the 80’s is a terrible time in human history. You might have noticed that I forgot to talk about Mega Man 1. Oh no, I didn’t forget. (What’s with the terrible covers?) Beat 8 robots. You kinda get what all these do, except Crash Man. Is it like a computer crash, because robot, or does he crash his car? Neither, he has drill hands and jumps a lot. After you beat a boss, you get his power, meaning the game gets easier and easier. Like it should be. I hate hard games. It’s a game, about a ninja, and it’s hard. Extremely hard. I keep saying games are hard. If only there was some other game I could compare them all to, I would call this the ‘harshouls’ of ninja games. It has some pretty epic cutscenes. It’s almost like a Laserdisc. Except not even close. Only one person has beaten the entire game without getting hit. Margaret Thatcher. Wasn’t surprised, her gaming skills are legendary. I was there when she defeated every union member in Pac-Man. Speaking of fighting unions… Disney! It’s fun. The music is good. And this proves that licensed games are the future. Who cares though? Time to adress the question: Why did I switch from movies to video games? Cause movies suck now. The 70’s was just hit after hit, but the highest grossing movie of ’87 was Three Men and a Baby. Upcoming movies suck too. Kevin Costner coaches a baseball team? I’ve never even heard of this sport! We’re both twins, huh, hilarious! But worst of all, WORST of all… A tv actor taking on terrorists in a skyscraper? I-I’m gonna say it right now: If it turns out “Die Hard” is like the best movie ever, I’m sending my entire VHS collection to Romania! (sigh) What was that? My cellphone is ringing. I have to go to my car. What do you want, Mr. Pre**dent? You’re making a game to torture commies? And you’re gonna use the profits to buy Contra? Uh buying the contras? You’re calling it “Battletoads”? Look, you can’t force me to test this, but I don’t want to tear down this wall of trust. No, you can’t use that! It’s mine! Ronald? Ronald? Urgh. Battletoads is the only western game I have shown. Yep, even DuckTales was japanese. Thanks, Commodore 64! I hate it. Made by “Rare”. Urghhhh… If this company becomes a staple of videogaming in the 90’s, I’m gonna ask my friend Bill Gates to destroy it. And that is the Killian Experience. Hello. Please greenlight my tv series. This week’s salad… is cut up whatever vegetables you have and put them in a microwave. Because it’s the 80’s and we microwave everything.

100 Replies to “Garbage Retrospective Of Nintendo Entertainment System

  1. If you claim this video was not actually made in the 80s you are slandering me. Also check out my subreddit https://www.reddit.com/r/kilian/

  2. The Shining
    Friday the 13th
    Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
    Raiders of the Lost Ark
    Blade Runner
    E.T: The Extra-Terrestrial
    Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
    Scarface
    Ghostbusters
    The Terminator
    The Karate Kid
    Purple Rain
    Beverly Hills Cop
    A Nightmare on Elm Street
    The Breakfast Club
    Back to the Future
    Better Off Dead
    Ferris Bueller's Day Off
    Aliens
    Little Shop of Horrors
    The Princess Bride
    Full Metal Jacket
    Who Framed Roger Rabbit
    Coming to America
    Beetlejuice
    Back to the Future II
    Naked Gun
    Batman
    Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
    Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
    Dead Poets Society

    All 80s movies.

  3. Niculae Ceausescu was a dictator in some peoples eyes but he was a bit better than todays romanian presidents beacuse everyone had a job

  4. PAL (mostly European) system was operating in 25 FPS. NTSC (Japan and USA) system was operating in 30 FPS. Fact that programmers were lazy so they tried to fit 30 frames into 25 frames without cutting so they just slowed down gameplay to 25 FPS and that is the story. And main reason for that was because PAL operated in 50Hz and NTSC operated in 60Hz, and if it was untouched PAL region games would be unplayable.

  5. Everyone!… EVERYONE!
    We must start for our selves a new revolution! JC Denton is no god! He is a KILLER!
    We must bring about on this platform a new icon, a new picture…
    And what better way is there than the icon of the Internet Historian’s?!
    Let them come! LET THEM COME! WAVE AFTER WAVE! CRASHING AND DASHING ON OUR GALLANT, UNMOVING ROCKS!
    It’s time… for the INTERNET HISTORIAN’S REVOLUTION!

  6. Its so obvious that Nintendo would stop making consoles and eventually ruin their character to a point were they turn Mario into a Were-plumber and Sega would carry on and become one of the most influential businesses ever haha
    Oh wait

  7. DUDE YOU SAYD CEAUȘESCU GOOD!!!! YOU ARE THE FIRST FOREIGN PERSON WHO CAN SAY CEAUȘESCU GOOD!!!! now you can officialy get a romanian citesenship

  8. As soon as he completed the Secret Police ad, I got an MIB International ad

    Coincidence?
    I THINK NOT

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